The Dead-Simple 3-Step Formula for Helping Your Child Deal with Mistakes

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Key points

• There are effective ways to deal with mistakes.

• Releasing mistakes helps children move forward faster.

• Refocusing keeps children engage in the game.

• Having a good framework for dealing with failure makes sports more fun.

Every young athlete faces moments of disappointment in sports.

As parents, we struggle to watch our children deal with failure, whether it's a missed shot, a lost game, or even just a moment of hesitation that leads to a missed opportunity.

Even professional athletes - the very best in their sports - face similar challenges. NBA players, for instance, miss roughly 60% of their shots, despite how effortless they make the game look on television. The best hitters in baseball make contact just over 3 out of 10 times they step up to the plate.

What separates these great performers is developing resilience - the ability to transform setbacks into opportunities for growth. But before we can help our children learn from their mistakes, we need to teach them how to move past them in the moment. Most of the time, the best time to learn from mistakes isn't right when they happen, but when we have enough clarity on them to reflect honestly.

This is where the science of performance psychology offers us a clear, research-backed framework that I've seen work with athletes from youth sports to the professional level.

It consists of three essential steps that any parent can teach their child:

Release

Release is about doing some physical action that signals the letting go of the mistake.

An old sport psychologist, Ken Ravizza, famously had players “flush” their mistakes in a tiny toilet in the dugout. But you could also yell, clap your hands, or do anything else that signals, “it’s time to move on.”

I like using a physical movement here because it takes you out of your head and lets you express yourself. A lot of coping with failure is just learning to externalize, so you don’t drive yourself nuts thinking it through while the game is going on.

Reset

Next is about coming back to center.

Rehashing mistakes takes you out of the present, typically into the past and occasionally into a bunch of future “what-if” scenarios.

We need to find a way to bring our mind back to the here and now. That’s where reset comes in.

I recommend a deep breath, but any kind of grounding activity will do. The key is it should help you regain your poise and feel more in control moving forward.

Refocus

The last step is to get back into the game.

You need to refocus on the single next best, most impactful action you can take.

And the way to do that is to refocus on simply, “what’s important now?”

When you answer this question, and then go do it - you’ve given yourself something to refocus on that will pull you squarely back into the performance.

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This of course gives you the best chance to turn it around from that past mistake and succeed.

The power of this approach lies in its simplicity and scientific foundation. When children have a structured way to handle mistakes, they develop what psychologists call "self-regulation" - a critical skill that extends far beyond sports. The routine works because it addresses three fundamental aspects of performance psychology:

1. It provides physical release for emotional energy
2. It grounds them in the present moment
3. It gives them clear direction for moving forward

What makes this framework particularly effective for young athletes is that it can be practiced both in competition and during practice. The more familiar they become with this routine, the more automatic it becomes, allowing them to bounce back from mistakes more quickly and effectively.

Remember, our goal isn't to eliminate mistakes - they're an inevitable part of both sports and life. Instead, we're teaching our children a valuable skill that will serve them well beyond their athletic careers: the ability to handle setbacks with resilience and grace.

The next time your child faces a mistake in their sport, try introducing these three steps. You might be surprised at how quickly they can transform from being stuck in disappointment to being ready for their next opportunity to shine.

When you’re ready, there are 2 ways we can help you:

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